Mental Health and Reading

Just the books that I've dipped into today.

Joy leaves me very quickly and I don't know why. It isn't usually brought on by negative thoughts and it is replaced by a complete lack of motivation rather than misery. I don't think other people experience depression in the same way that I do. The feel good emotion that we get when we are feeling okay is what is missing and it always has been. There's a difference between feeling sad and feeling whatever it is that I do and whatever it is it alienates me not just from others but also from  people with depression. I can smile when I am feeling nothing and I can find something amusing when I am feeling nothing but I still feel nothing even when it doesn't look this way. It is getting better but I worry that things are now the best that they could be.

I am in the library at half past ten at night and on all of the six floors there is likely no more than fifteen people still working at computers. I can not see out of my cubicle onto the rest of my floor but I assume that there is nobody else here with me. The lights operate using motion sensors and they are starting to dim. I hope that they will not turn off because I am scared of the dark and of being trapped here. I currently feel some joy. I also currently feel that if I am brave enough I ought to turn my YouTube channel into a space where we can talk about our mental health as well as about reading. It seems to me that there is quite a lot to be said for those who make a habit of reading (in relation to mental health). It is an escape and a solitary activity. It is a way to be with others (the author) whilst also being able to enjoy living a block of time completely alone.

I have always needed time alone. The light has gone out completely now. The irony of this is making me smile. I am a little scared but I feel confident enough that they will come back on if I go out of the cubicle for a while to walk around. I think that it feels as if there is more time when I am alone. I feel jostled around by the expectations of others and solitude is like a womb to me.

If I am to mention anything about mental health in my upcoming videos it will be about how books are helping me and about how they may help you. I also hope to provide a little motivation and wisdom for others because I have my own unique experience like everybody who is struggling does and maybe if we all pieced together our good advice we might end up with half a pretty picture to show for ourselves.

Night folks